Thanksgiving dinner can be rough sometimes. You always need to figure out what to make. And you never know how to cook anything, let alone a turkey. Lucky for you I am intelligent, generous, helpful, attractive, practically the most extraordinary human being to walk the earth, humble, but most importantly generous.
I will help you with your struggle, and if you follow the directions carefully, you might be able to be as good as me one day.
I cook for my mom a lot. She says I’m a good cook. This can be tricky, but if you follow carefully then you might be able to get it.
My first tip for making your Thanksgiving dinner is to follow the advice from the movie Free Birds (2013) and order a pizza. It saves the turkeys, and pizza is delicious.
Now, I know a bunch of you are going to be nagging about tradition, and saying stuff like, “But turkey is an instrumental part of … ,” well… I didn’t ask. Out of kindness, and due to extremely popular demand, I will teach you how to cook a turkey better because everyone could use a little help in the kitchen sometimes.
The first thing you want to do is take the turkey out of the package. I forget this part sometimes and trust me, it will taste a lot better if you don’t skip this step.
Next, shove a bottle of Elmer’s Premium Paste up the turkey, and then just forget about it, as my boss forgets about me. The Elmer’s Glue won’t do anything, it’s just funny. It’s also a nice surprise to find a half-melted bottle of glue halfway through your turkey. Prove to everyone that you truly never know what’s coming next.
Speaking of not knowing what’s coming next, the next thing you need to do is fill the turkey with your favorite consumable objects. This could be corn, chocolate milk — not Tide Pods — chicken nuggets, a whole cow, a forklift, a small country such as Sierra Leone, or if the turkey is big enough, even more glue. More glue can’t hurt. You could also add a coconut. Really whatever your heart desires.
Turkey can be a pain so what you want to do now is slap a piece of duct tape on the turkey’s back. Because duct tape fixes everything (most of the time), it will likely fix your turkey. Don’t worry, duct tape is edible, after it is cooked properly. We’ll have to fact-check that, but I will most likely forget to get back to you on that, so just take my word for it.*
It gets a little tricky with tofu turkey. Elmer’s Glue is vegan friendly (we checked), so not many changes there. The only real change is the use of flex tape instead of duct tape because there are some things even duct tape can’t fix.
Hopefully, you know everything else about how to cook a turkey, just wanted to clarify those few things first. That’s the hardest part, but there are other common Thanksgiving foods that we haven’t even gone over yet, like mashed potatoes.
Everyone cooks mashed potatoes wrong, so don’t feel bad if you do it too. You don’t boil and mash, just mash raw with something heavy. Like a dump truck. Just wrap the potatoes in tin foil, and drive over it. That was way easier wasn’t it? Just don’t judge the taste — it’s a little shy. Just add salt. Rubber goes great with everything, doesn’t it?
Along with turkey and mashed potatoes, don’t forget to prepare the other essential Thanksgiving foods: Dino Nuggies (plain chicken nuggets just won’t cut it), and gummy fruit snacks. Once you have these delicious additions, your meal will be complete. I know maybe it’s not your traditional tradition, but those traditions are mediocre and this one is fantastic.
I hope this helped spice up Thanksgiving dinner. All I have left to say is, you’re welcome. No need to thank me, unless of course you want to in honor of the season.
~Elbert Singles, Ben Peterson (17) Escalante
*Editor’s Note: We never fact-check Elbert’s articles, but by reason alone, we urge our readers to not ingest Elmer’s Glue, Elmer’s Premium Paste, Elmer’s Duct Tape, Elmer’s Dump Truck Tread-o-Tires, or any other Elmer’s product or any other type of glue. We also recommend not ingesting anything else mentioned in this article without consulting your physician.
Feature image caption: Adding more glue can greatly enhance a turkey. But remember that adding more glue should always follow the insertion of an entire bottle into your bird first. Illustration by Clara Peterson (14) Escalante.
Read more Elbert Singles in Elbert Is Back, This Time with Superheroes.