Have you ever wanted to be a superhero? Have you ever wanted to save the day? Well, of course you do, you’re human … unless you’re not, then this article is not for you and you can go read an infomercial or something boring.
OR … You could figure out how to be a superhero and be cool like all the cool people in your life who also want to be superheroes. Every single one of them. I know it sounds like a bit of a stretch, but it’s true! If they don’t want to be a superhero then they’re obviously not cool.
The first step is the costume — the most important part. Superhero movies lie. It’s not character, or bravery, or powers, or righteousness that’s most important; it’s the costume. That’s why the robots always lose. They have no costume. That’s why the good guys almost always win. They have a cool costume. For your costume, you want to fit as many colors as you want for maximum ability. If it looks like a rainbow, you’re probably immortal.
Next is a sidekick. Those are important too. Not quite as important, but close. Someone who likes pizza should be good. Or nachos. It doesn’t really matter how smart they are, or how good they are at fighting, just as long as they have good pizza preferences. Then you can get your butt beat by the bad guys knowing that your sidekick has good taste in food. Nothing will be more pleasing.
The last thing is to have a cool name, like Elbert Singles. But that name is already taken. Sorry for taking the best name, but it’s not my fault my parents were geniuses. I already took the best name, just try and make yours a close second. You could do something like Sébastian Diego Santo Martinez Sanchez, or Frog-Juvenile Boy Thing. That’s cool. Changing your name isn’t frowned upon. Unless it’s stupid. Then it’s frowned upon.
Being a superhero isn’t even that hard. Follow these simple steps and you can become one of the greatest superheroes ever. No, you will be the greatest superhero ever. No more Superman, Batman, Iron Man, Spider-Man. You will be the second greatest superhero ever, second to me.
– by Ben Peterson (17) Escalante
Feature image caption: A superhero and her dog sidekick. Courtesy Annalyn B. (9) Cannonville.